Trauma experienced in childhood often reverberates through generations, creating a cycle of pain and unresolved emotions.
Composite examples:
"My mother came from poverty. She was constantly worried about money and survival. My dad worked all the time and would often come home drunk. I had two older brothers and a younger sister. I took care of my sister and would hide her in our room when my father was in a bad mood. We’d often hear my parents fight. We’d just hide in the room and listen. As a young adult, I find myself getting triggered whenever someone speaks to me in a loud voice. My heart pounds, and my hands sweat. This happens at work, and it also happens with my partner. I sometimes just blank out and dissociate. I guess that is what I did as a child. I know I need to stop this, but it just happens automatically."
"My mother had me when she was only 19. My birth father abandoned us, so I was left with my grandmother. She was not nice and was angry at my mother for even having me. My mother barely visited, and I was often abused by my grandmother. She would lock me in a dark closet if I was bad, and sometimes she would put hot sauce on my tongue if she didn’t like what I had to say. Although things are better now that I’m 20 and live in the college dorm, I still feel angry about my past. My mother is in a different place, but I find that it’s difficult to speak with her without fighting. And I will absolutely not go near my grandmother, which makes me miss out on family events. I’d love to confront my grandmother, but I don’t think she will listen, and I know that will be upsetting to my mother. As a result, I carry anger and can get confrontational with co-workers or strangers who don’t deserve my wrath.”
"We came from a third-world country and did not know luxury. Our family was big, and I had two older brothers and four younger siblings (one brother and three sisters). Since I was a girl, it was my job to take care of my younger siblings. Both of my parents were working for pennies. I didn’t have time for friends, parties, or any of the other things American kids are used to doing."
"My family moved to Maine when I was 15. The financial situation was slightly better, and my father was able to get work here right away. I didn’t know the language and felt extremely out of place. I wanted to fit in, but because I was different, the kids would tease me. Finally, I did make two friends, but my mother hardly wanted me see them, and I was never allowed to sleep at their houses. I don’t want my own 11-year-old daughter to go through what I went through. Yet, I feel so anxious every time my daughter wants to participate in any kind of social event. Every time she leaves, even to go to school, I find myself having panic attacks."
Is It A Disorder or Is it Trauma?
All of these fictional clients are based in truth. Often my clients present with anxiety, depression, panic attacks or more. But in truth, their symptoms stem from what happened, and more accurately, what happened to their brains and bodies as a result of what happened to them.
The clients described from these examples were not born with 'mental disorders' nor do I see them as broken or flawed. I view each of these examples displaying symptoms of childhood trauma.
The more primitive, vigilant parts of our brain experience feelings from the past, as if they were happening in the present. That's why returning veterans often have difficulty on the 4th of July. The loud popping sounds of fire crackers stimulate the watch tower part of our brain called the amygdala. Instantaneously, the wiser pre-frontal cortex part of the brain goes off line, because the noise causes the vet to feel as if he's back in the war zone. Intellectually he knows he's safe, but in the moment, his primitive brain sends out signals of danger that cause very real disturbances.
Luckily, we are now more knowledgeable about triggers and trauma responses. As it turns out our brains are resilient, elastic and can be retrained. We're not as doomed as most of my clients thought when they first sought out treatment.
Root Cause of Trauma is Often Inter-generational
We now know so much more! And, with knowledge comes power. My case examples all point to the fact that trauma didn't begin with mama trauma. That's because their moms also didn't have great childhoods, and neither did their mother's mother and mother's mother mother before that. See how it goes? We now that know that trauma can be traced back to a multitude of generations. But before we go into 'blame', let's look at the full picture.
What is Intergenerational Trauma?
Intergenerational trauma refers to the transmission of trauma from one generation to the next. Trauma can be passed on through behaviors, beliefs, and emotional responses. For example, a mother who experienced neglect and abuse may inadvertently perpetuate these patterns with her children, as she may not have had a model for healthy parenting. This cycle creates a legacy of trauma that can affect multiple generations, influencing how individuals relate to themselves and others. The mechanisms of passing on trauma are complex and multifaceted. Trauma can be transmitted through learned behaviors, emotional dysregulation, and even genetic changes (DNA). Children absorb their parents' stress responses and coping mechanisms, often mirroring them in their own lives. Without intervention, these patterns can become deeply ingrained, making it difficult to break the cycle.
Healing
While I never excuse a mother of abuse or neglect, I find it healing to learn more about our mom's history and understand where she came from emotionally and developmentally. What was her home like growing up? What kind of support system did she have? And what about her mother's mother?
Developing empathy and compassion can often take the sting out of the feelings that accompany early childhood trauma. Again, it’s not about “forgiveness,” a word that I personally find off-putting. I would reframe that word to be more about understanding while acknowledging our own feelings of anger, sadness or grief as a result of what happened.
Therapy Can Help
Preventing intergenerational trauma requires conscious effort and therapeutic intervention. Many of my current clients are in their early twenties. Many of them just had a child or they are contemplating being a mother. They tell me that they want to clean up their own childhood traumas so that they will not pass them on to their children. They have a desire to parent well. That is heartening to hear and these clients are truly a joy to work with .
Some clients also reveal that they were sexually molested very early in life. Unfortunately, they find themselves getting anxious when they view their toddlers who are now the age they were, when they got molested. They find themselves being hyper-vigilant and experience panic in their bodies for no apparent reason. Sleepless nights, racing thoughts and unhealthy coping mechanisms such as stress eating often accompany the trauma responses. Other clients have a difficult time the second they give birth because they get overwhelmed when their babies cry or when there are issues with feeding. They judge themselves harshly and have all kind of negative cognitions about their ability to be a mom. All because of what they experienced in their own infancy and youth.
Gentle Approaches
Therapy through the trauma lens is not about labeling, judging or talking about the past. A trauma informed therapist is very cognizant and aware of re-traumatiziation. So it's not about telling your narrative right from the beginning. My first few meetings are always about psych-education. I teach my clients about their nervous systems and how to notice what their bodies are telling them. Along with this knowledge comes important, easy-to-learn tools for self-regulation.
According to need, I borrow from therapy techniques such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), grounding, mindfulness, and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). By addressing each individual's trauma, developing healthy coping mechanisms, and fostering self-awareness, all of us can break the cycle and create a healthier environment for our children, ensuring the trauma does not continue to the next generation.
In Conclusion
To heal from our own personal childhood traumas, we need to first develop a relationship with ourselves and learn about safety. Only then can we develop healthy relationships which are also essential for growth. Building resilience through positive connections, staying present and knowing when we are truly safe (and when we aren't) can help us manage our emotional responses.
Therapy provides a 'first step' safe space to explore and process these deep-rooted issues. Trauma therapy also offers strategies to cope with and overcome the lingering effects of trauma.
Understanding and addressing intergenerational trauma is crucial for breaking the cycle of pain and suffering passed down through families. By recognizing the impact of our early experiences and seeking help, we can create a brighter, healthier future for ourselves, our relationships and our children if we choose to be parents.
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